How to survive a shark attack

hahahahahahahaha!!!

How to survive a shark attack


1: Don`t swim in the ocean.
Ninety-nine percent of all shark attacks take place in exceptionally
large bodies of water also known as oceans.
The way to determine if you are currently in an ocean is to taste the
water, which should be salty.

2: Listen out for the music.
In the event that you are foolish enough to swim in an ocean, listen
carefully for the music, as demonstrated in the marvelous documentary
film Jaws. All shark attacks are preceded by the "daah-da, daah-da"
chords, which will gradually become more rapid as the shark gets closer.
This is due to the Doppler Effect.

3: Swim with fat people.
Try to surround yourself with more appetizing companions.
If you know them well, you might even try to switch their suntan lotion
with A-1 Steak Sauce. This will definitely improve your odds.

4: Don't go into the water without a knife.
This is not to defend yourself but to stab the person (a.k.a the decoy)
closest to you in the case of a shark attack. Once you are sure the
"decoy" is bleeding profusely.....swim for your freekin' life.
And finaly.....

5: Don't panic.
In the event that a shark actually bites you, try to remain calm. This
really won`t help you survive, but everyone else on the beach will
appreciate you not shrieking madly and thrash yourself around in the
water as this is quite unsettling and can really spoil a wonderful day out!

Pirates for Global Cooling!

aaarg aaarg !!!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flying_spaghetti_monster

"According to the Pastafarian belief system, pirates are "absolute divine beings" and the original Pastafarians.[3] Their image as "thieves and outcasts" is misinformation spread by Christian theologians in the Middle Ages and by Hare Krishnas. Pastafarianism says that they were in fact "peace-loving explorers and spreaders of good will" who distributed candy to small children, and adds that modern pirates are in no way similar to "the fun-loving buccaneers from history."

Pastafarians celebrate International Talk Like a Pirate Day on September 19.

The inclusion of pirates in Pastafarianism was part of Henderson's original letter to the Kansas School Board. It illustrated that correlation does not imply causation. Henderson put forth the argument that "global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of pirates since the 1800s."[3] A chart accompanying the letter shows that as the number of pirates decreased, global temperatures increased."

Yeah so lets do our it for gloal warming and talk like pirates!!!

Nominated for the best short joke of the year

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

HAHAHAHAHAHA

The Heterosexual Questionnaire

Shamelessly plagiarised from:
http://queersunited.blogspot.com/2008/04/heterosexual-questionnaire.html

I found this quite funny :)

"The Heterosexual Questionnaire was created back in 1972 to put heterosexual people in the shoes of a gay person for just a moment. Questions and assumptions made of Gays and Lesbians that are unfair, are reversed and this time asked to the straight people.

1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?

2. When and where did you decide you were a heterosexual?

3. Is it possible this is just a phase and you will out grow it?

4. Is it possible that your sexual orientation has stemmed from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?

5. Do your parents know you are straight? Do your friends know- how did they react? ... "

Now doesn't that put a smile on your face?