The title to this post is actually a little misleading. Some of the things that happened in the last two years should have happened. It was time for them. It was time. This brings me to the 1st thing that should actually have happened:
The 1st thing is actually the 1st and the 2nd thing … and the only things that fall in the “should have happened” category.
Thing 1 and 2:
2 years ago, I was been married for a few months short of 10 years. We had a house in the suburbs, two cars in the double garage, pets with papers and a beautiful, intelligent and healthy 7 year old daughter. Through some very tough conversations with myself, through nights of no sleep and through a long personal internal struggle I came to a realisation. I came to the realisation that I am gay. That I am living my parent’s dream, that I am not living my own life and that I am very unhappy and unfulfilled. I asked my wife at the time for a divorce. I did not give reasons for it and she was shattered. I felt very guilty about this and moved out of the house. I was extremely conflicted. I got a divorce and I was honest with myself about my sexuality. This is all good and right and should have happened. (Of course, I never should have gotten married in the first place!). What follows is what should not have happened – especially the drugs!
At the same time, I openly came out of the closet to everyone, except my family and my ex-wife. This was very difficult for me to deal with – especially as I have not told my ex-wife, my daughter or my family. That happened later and we are probably not going to go into that so deeply.
Thing 3:
My best friend, whom I was secretly in love with as well, introduced me to drugs. It started out with some ecstasy and some LSD while I was enjoying my newfound freedom in clubs. It soon moved to cocaine and I became a hardcore cocaine addict. I was spending money on drugs that I didn’t have. I was using cocaine every day. I was doing cocaine at work, in the bathroom, all day long. I felt powerful. I felt freed. I forgot about the things in my soul that were scratching at me. I guess it’s because I was vulnerable and in love that I made such bad choices. My best friend and I moved into a flat together. This flat was right above our drug dealer. Ignorance of my personal situation was bliss. Money flowed out of my life at an astronomical rate. Soon we were behind on the rent. My best friend went to rehab for his heroin addiction and I was all alone again. I moved in with another friend that wanted to help me. I lied to him. I stayed with him and still injected cocaine daily. He was starting a relationship and he looked for another place for me to stay. He paid for this and I moved to this new place on a plot. I was all alone. I was practically broke. I was a drug addict.
I couldn’t tell my family as I was too ashamed. I also did not really care. I felt lost. My best friend came out of rehab and was back on heroin. I didn’t have money for cocaine – so I started doing small amounts of heroin with him. I was soon hooked and started getting sick when not using. My other friend said I needed to look for a place myself as he was no longer going to put me up. I moved into a flat with another gay guy I knew and this is where I still live now.
Thing 4:
On the 22nd of October 2008, I overdosed on a combination of heroin and benzodiazepines at work. I totalled my uninsured car and 2 days later I woke up in hospital in severe withdrawal. It was hell. At one point I was running around in the nurses station throwing down medicine cabinets and screaming that I wanted morphine.
I asked my psychiatrist to discharge me as I felt my hospital time was unproductive and I wanted to go to rehab. She did, and I went to the Stabilus treatment centre in Pretoria. My best friend also went to rehab at this time. I spent two weeks there and my father, who visited me daily, picked me up to take me home to Potchefstroom with him. I spent a couple of days there, before I had to return to work.
Thing 5:
When I arrived back at work I had to report straight to HR. I was immediately confronted with photographic evidence of my drug addiction and told that a disciplinary was going to be held. I was also told that a criminal case would be opened as drug paraphernalia was found on me at work. I negotiated a voluntary resignation with 2 months pay and no notice. I moved to Potchefstroom where I am still now. I am still paying my flat in Midrand every month still as I hope to soon find work and move back there in the new year. I’ve now been clean since the 23rd of October. It’s a daily mission but I am hanging in there.
Now, and the future:
I have addressed the drug issue with my parents openly and honestly. I have addressed my homosexuality with my parent and my ex wife and my daughter openly and honestly.
I want a future – not a big one – Just a future!
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