HIV / AIDS is real!

Last week I hooked up with a good friend from long ago on facebook. I am so glad that I hooked up with him again. We started SMS-ing each other and arranged to meet. I didn't know if it qualified as a date, but I hoped it did.

And it did! I had a wonderful evening. I was honest with him about my history (see the "How not to live your life in 2 years" post) and he was honest with me about being HIV positive. I was a bit overwhelmed, but I was smitten. We shared a "fishbowl", we chatted, we clicked well, we held hands, we kissed.

We arranged to see each other again the next day.

This didn't happen ...

My mind started working and I started thinking. Am I ready for this? Can I do this? Am I in a mental state of mind where this issue can be dealt with? Will I ever be in a mental state of mind where this issue can be dealt with by me?

I wanted to - I wanted to be strong enough so that I could work with or around his HIV status. I so wanted to. I still want to!

I still want to!

But I can't.

I had to be honest with him that it's just too much for me to handle. I had to be honest with him that I'll always have anxiety when it comes to our physical relationship. I had to be brutally honest. This really tore my heart apart. I was in pieces, but I was honest with him.

He said that he understands and I think that is very big of him. I admire him - he has such courage!

I am going to be there for him, as a friend, through thick and thin, through joy and pain, through all that life is going to be for him.

There are different kinds of love in this world, not all romantic in nature ...

HIV / AIDS is real - and I love him!